“Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate.” - Proverbs 8:13b

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” - James 4:6

My Lord,

It is the end of the financial year, half a year after graduation, and I was sure by now I should have already gotten full-time work. The people say that the economy is bad and its alright to be unemployed, but You know my heart O Lord, I don’t like giving myself excuses. Situations have never lowered the standards I have for myself, because if I don’t want to attribute my successes to external circumstances then I shouldn’t do so for failures as well. But You O Lord, have revealed to me several significant things this last month. Through a prayer during fight night, the root of my sins, problems and discontent You showed is pride. An unusual side of pride: self-loathing. Perhaps I am not at the point of self-hating but I am constantly aware of my deficiencies. My distorted view of humility was thinking low of yourself. But I also know Lord that ‘pride’ or ’self-esteem’ isn’t the solution either. For true humility is being selfless. To be humble is to not even consider one’s worth, for one’s self-worth is already established in Jesus regardless of performance. If its unconditional love why Lord do I still care so much about how good I am? It can be seen that I am still very self-centered, for I do not focus on You but my own righteousness and performance. Which brings me to what I wish to discuss with You O Lord: Pride, Not being good enough, and Knowing but not doing.

Pride

It still confuses me how some people actually don’t consider pride as a sin. For not only is it sin but it may well be at the root of all sin. Was it not pride that caused the Loser to rebel against you O Lord?

“How you are fallen from heaven,
O Day Star, son of Dawn!
How you are cut down to the ground,
you who laid the nations low!
You said in your heart,
‘I will ascend to heaven;
above the stars of God
I will set my throne on high;
I will sit on the mount of assembly
in the far reaches of the north;
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High.’”- Isaiah 14: 12-14

Was it not pride too that caused Adam and Eve to sin? For the Loser tempted Eve to eat the fruit with these words:

“For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” - Genesis 3:5

What is pride then O Lord? And why is it sin?

“You shall have no other gods beforeme.” - Exodus 20:3

The first of Your ten commandments O Lord. I think it was Martin Luther who said if you can keep the first two commandments you won’t have trouble keeping the other eight. For if we worship You alone why would we envy other people’s possessions? Stealing means that wealth has become our god. If we worship You alone, why would we murder people who bear Your image? Why would we commit adultery, lest we worship sex more than You. What a waste, as if sex and money could bring even half the pleasure that You can.

Anyway, from the first commandment it can be seen that idolatry is the sin that causes other sins. Worshiping money, sex, and power causes many forms of rebellion. But perhaps the most prevalent idol is ’self/me’. We may not think it, but to put ourselves before You O Lord is idolatry of self. The desire to be the center of the universe a.k.a. God. Pride is idolatry of self is not O Lord? For why would we desire to be exalted, when only One deserves to be exalted? And the funny thing is there are two extremes of pride. The first is the obvious arrogance of man, the boasting of what he does and has, as if our accomplishments and possessions really meant anything, for they are but dust in the wind, here today and gone tomorrow. The second O Lord, is less obvious, but nevertheless still sinful, it is the pride from self-loathing. For what should one care about his worth if he is already loved by God, the Creator of the universe. I’ve been shown the root of my problems, and I admit it, I struggle with knowing “I’m not good enough.”

I’m not good enough

I feel like puking when I listen/read those self-help books or motivational speakers trying to encourage confidence by tickling people’s ears. “Oh your a unique snowflake! All the power to change the world is in you!” Don’t make me laugh, the power is God’s. Ooh my favorite laugh comes from The Secret’s law of attraction, “Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting”. My dear, what could those holocaust victims have been thinking of to attract their torture? Or do those starving children in Africa need to think more about food? Such empty meaningless words, Your truth holds far more realistic uplifting promise.

It’s ingrained deep in the Bible, that You love me unconditionally regardless of whether or not I’m good enough. But from time to time my heart still aches. Perhaps pride is a lot deeper than I thought it was. I know that I am saved by grace through faith, no works can gain my salvation lest Jesus’ sacrifice be in vain. In fact it is only through this faith that one can be humble, for other faiths seek righteousness and salvation by their own works/morality/rituals, therefore being capable to boast when they perceive they have attained it. The only faith where salvation is given as a gift without merit is Yours O Lord, something man could not have made up.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” - Ephesians 2: 8-9

Why then do I get discontent or frustrated when I am still unemployed? If I am to be honest, it is because I don’t believe I am good enough until I get a job. An ‘educated bum’: it taunts me everyday. I fear my parents have wasted far too much money on a failure, for I have failed to get a job. My judgmental pride detests people who don’t work after having a degree, just leeching off of parents, but I guess now I’m one of them. And I know O Lord, that getting a job would not make me feel ‘good enough’ for my internship at a good investment bank should have boosted confidence but it did not. To a much minor extent I also seek validation from having a girlfriend too I guess, but in this I already know I’m not ready for one. A woman must be taken care of by a provider, not some boy using his parents’ money. Though I would not admit it, I realize that my core problem is I constantly think ‘I’m not good enough’ and I seek validation from work or a girlfriend. And I know O Lord that is not where self-worth comes from. Which brings me to my final point, I’ve repeated it several times: “I know”

I know

O how I prided myself in not being a pragmatic ‘do everything but understand nothing’ busy bee that some people are. I hate pragmatism Lord, to do but not understand? How do you know what your doing is right? Why waste energy on climbing a ladder when you might actually be climbing the wrong one? But then again, I have gone to the other extreme. I know but I do not do. Which is the bigger idiot O Lord, an ignorant man who does not seek the truth or a man who knows the truth but does not apply it? For I believe I may have just passed on from the former to the latter, and I think that makes me a bigger idiot.

“So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” - James 4:17

I thank you O Lord for atoning for my sins, because though my sins of commission may be abundant (Doing what is wrong), my sins of omission have been far greater (Not doing what is right). My hands are bloody from committing sins but they are also too smooth from omitting to do good.

Some people say its too much head knowledge/theology. I don’t like it O Lord when people separate two things and make it as if one was more/less important than the other. It’s doctrine AND life, words AND deeds, Theology AND Praxis.  “Don’t give me theology, just give me practical steps.” Theology is the study of knowing God, do you think you can take 5 practical steps for a better life without knowing God? Knowing God has done much more for my life than any program or ‘practical’ steps. I’m not learning too much of Your word or learning too much theology. There is no such thing as learning too much when it comes to knowing You. Then again I’m in the other extreme, I know, speak, and write, but do not do. It’s Theology AND Praxis.

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” - James 1:22

My Lord, I know in many things I am doing Your word by Your grace. But I still lack far too much in application. In my head I know that this problem of self-worth shouldn’t even be an issue. I’m not good enough, I know, but more praise be to the Lord then for He loves me regardless. Why must I dwell in it? He does not love me more or less with or without a job, with or without a spouse, etc. O how I wish to be the best for You, the best businessman, the best boyfriend/husband, the best cell leader. For You have given me the best. Why do I give You less then? Or is this my best? Lacking in every way in everything. The selfless shouldn’t even care about this, I should be focused on Your grace, goodness, and glory, and the edification of others, with whatever talents You have given me. Instead of focusing on Your perfection I focus on my short-comings. Instead of focusing on You, I focus on myself. Idolatry indeed.

Conclusion

It’s pride, because I want to have something worthy of worshiping in me yet I can’t find it, therefore I despair. That is why self-loathing is pride. To struggle to find something I can idolize about myself yet find nothing. I’m glad I found nothing, that I may look unto the Savior and worship Him for only He is worthy of exaltation. My Lord I praise You for these words:

“But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.” - Isaiah 66:2b

Your word concludes it all O Lord. You look to the humble not the proud. You look to the contrite in spirit, the one who is broken because they are not good enough. You look to the one who trembles at Your word, who not only knows but does it with fear and trembling. Thank you O Lord for Your grace and humility. Teach me to apply Your Word. Amen.

“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” - 2 Corinthians 12: 9b

Grace & Peace,

Christian Pakpahan

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”- Philippians 1: 21

My Ompung (grandmother) passed away yesterday. She went into a coma for a few weeks after recovering from an operation to remove a tumor she had. And here I am stuck in Melbourne, not allowed to leave the country because of my pending PR status. I could care less about my PR, I want to be with my family at times like this.  I don’t think her death has sunk in yet. I’ve always reacted strangely when it comes to deaths. Sad of course but I’ve never reacted with weeping and wailing. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too stoic, if I’ve killed my emotions in an effort to be constantly objective (or in an effort to never get hurt). Don’t be mistaken I do cry, but not for events. In fact, come to think of it usually the only times I’ve cried in these past years is during prayer and repentance. I guess before I spill my heart out, I should take out my thoughts behind the inevitable event we all experience, death.

Death

As an opportunistic believer, I will even use this loss to glorify God. The fools (People who deny God, Psalm 14:1, just being biblical baby) say that faith is merely a crutch for the weak. They think it’s an invention for people who don’t want to accept that after death there is nothing. As a former fool let me be honest with you, I don’t mind non-existence after death. It doesn’t scare me if there is nothing after death, there is nothing to fear in nothingness! Do you know who is really using the crutch? Atheism is a crutch for people who can’t accept the fact that they will face a just and holy God after death because they know they will horrendously fail to meet His standards when called to account for their lives.

“It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.” - Hebrews 10: 31

It is His existence that is scary, and if He is as holy and just as the Bible says than we are all goners.

“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” - Matthew 10: 28-33

Breaking away from the idiotic idea of the postmodern age that all truth is relative (What if my truth says your truth is a lie? Is it still true?), after finding the obvious objective truth that God exists (ex nihilo nihil fit, I always thought deists were the smarter ones), concluding that the Christian God is the one true God after scrutinizing its facts, philosophy, and ultimately having the Lord reveal Himself no longer as an idea, a teaching, but personally as One I can converse, walk, and cry with I worship the Lord for the God He is. My grandmother is in heaven, and unlike popular belief its not because she was a “good” person.

“I believe all you need to go to heaven is be a ‘good’ person.” I really hate listening to this cliché. Everyone says that, nobody properly defines it. People like leaving things vague don’t they? It’s so vague to say that you’re good. Everybody thinks they are good in their own eyes. Subjective truth once again. I believe the statement, but according to the proper definition of ‘good’ there is only one good person that walked this earth. His name is Jesus.

“And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.” - Mark 10: 18

I know taken out of context this verse seems like Jesus is denying being God, but biased people who just want to prove their preconceived ideas always take things out of context. If they read the whole book of Mark they would have found:

“Again the high priest asked him, “Are you the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?” And Jesus said, “I am, and you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of Power, and coming with the clouds of heaven.” And the high priest tore his garments and said, “What further witnesses do we need? You have heard his blasphemy. What is your decision?” And they all condemned him as deserving death.” - Mark 14: 61-64

It astounds me when people say, “Jesus never said He was the Son of God.” Dude, why do you think He was crucified? They accused Him for blasphemy! The best defense for the Bible is the Bible itself. If you guys aren’t satisfied until you get the actual word “Son of God” read Matthew 26: 63-65.

Sorry for the sidetrack, the point I was making was that Jesus is the only good man, because He is the only sinless man. Honestly, if you consider yourself a good person there are two fundamental errors you make. Firstly, you take too lightly the sins you commit. Secondly, you have a very low view of the Holiness of God. Good deeds don’t cancel out sins (I’ve addressed this in previous posts) because even in human law you can’t be freed from a murder punishment by saving a few lives. The blood of lambs and goats also can’t wash away sin; they just serve as a symbolic atonement of the one true worthy Sacrifice.

“He entered once for all into the holy places, not by means of the blood of goats and calves but by means of his own blood, thus securing an eternal redemption.” - Hebrews 9: 12

Of all the objective truths I’ve discovered through the years, knowing the Lord personally, knowing that He really died for my sins, and knowing that He really resurrected are perhaps the most beautiful of them all. Why is Ompung in heaven? It’s because she was a sinner, but my Lord died for her. Some may consider us arrogant to say that we are definitely going to heaven for only the Lord can decide who goes. I tell you, I know I’m going to heaven not because of my merit, not because of my goodness, not because I am worthy. I’m going because He saved me. Why? He loves me. Why does He love me? It’s because He is love. There is absolutely nothing inherent in me that make Him love me. I am a sinner undeserving of anything He has given. Yet He loves me merely because He is love. And I glory in this because I know if He loved me because of something in me (making it conditional love) I’d be fearful if I lost that very thing. Of all the truths I’ve found, I find myself confused when it comes to understanding His love. It makes me go around in circles. It’ll take me an eternity to comprehend it (meaning I never will), but honestly I don’t mind being confused about His love. Ah, now that I’ve got my thoughts out, maybe I can talk about my emotions.

Ompung Tebet

I still remember the last phone call I had with her. She was worried and slightly in tears saying, “Pray for Ompung Chris. Ompung wants to meet you again when you come back.” I kind of took the whole ordeal lightly, I thought it would go smoothly, she would recover and I’d meet her again when I go back later this year. When mom called me to tell me the operation was a success I assumed I was correct. I left for Easter camp that week, had a good time, but when I arrived home from camp, I had an unexpected call from my father, “Ompung is critical, can you fly back tomorrow?”

The next days were worrisome; my parents decided that I didn’t need to come back as Ompung’s condition was improving. The next weeks were up and down, sometimes my mother told me she was getting better, becoming more responsive, other times that she was worse. There were times my mother put her mobile beside my unconscious Ompung, and as she heard my voice mother said her eyes opened. And then there was a time where my father called so that I prayed for her through his mobile, because she was getting worse. I still remember that prayer, my lips trembled throughout the whole prayer especially when I repeated Jesus’ words at Gethsemane, “Yet not as I will, but as You will.”

Then last Friday, on my way to lunch in the city, my father called telling me that my grandmother passed away. No tears, just thoughts racing through my mind. Then my mother called as well. I must say there was unusual strength in my mother’s voice when she called. Initially I wanted to go home to comfort my mother, but it appeared that she was coping well. Truly, the comfort my Lord Jesus gives is sufficient. I guess afterwards thoughts of my past with Ompung flashed back, she was a Christian, I just wanted to reaffirm that she was a real one because:

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’ - Matthew 7: 21-23

So fundamentally did the Lord know her? Ultimately, only the Lord can answer and He would have confirmed it with her, like the Lord has confirmed it with me through scripture. But ‘you will know them by their fruit’ and observing her fruit I’m quite sure she was saved. I remember that she always cried when she prayed, when she prayed with us, when she prayed for us. In the simplest prayer her voice trembled as her lips cracked. In my youth I was always wondering why she cried, while I was still a fool I wondered if He could be so real that people cried talking to Him. Now I guess the case is different, praying and conversing with Him are the only times I do cry, my emotions become most real in my prayers. I’m being subjective here, but I believe she cried because she understood how dependent she and her family were on His grace. She said she prayed for me every day, and I think it was because of her prayers that I’ve become the man I am today. An imperfect man definitely, but a redeemed man. A pathetic man with a great God.

Perhaps for this reason I do not weep. I know where she is, and she is there not by her own merit but by God’s grace. I’m more assured of the work of God that saves, than man’s feeble attempt to be righteous. I can no longer believe other faiths because of their fundamental concepts for attaining paradise, nirvana, heaven, etc. is by works of man not the grace of God. Philosophical ideas also no longer shake my convictions because the more the Lord shows the Bible as His revelation, the more I realize philosophy as merely man’s speculation. To examine a birthday cake you can call scientists and philosophers to identify the ingredients used, when it was baked, the shape, etc. But to know why the cake was made the Baker would have to tell you.

“So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord,for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.” - 2 Corinthians 5: 6-8

In conclusion, I miss my Ompung but believe she is in a better place. And it’s not some delusional hope. To my family, I pray the Lord strengthens you all during a time like this. Thank you for your support throughout the whole ordeal. Forgive me for not being there. To my friends, thank you for your prayers and presence during a time like this. I don’t know where I’d be without you guys. Please stand firm in the Lord and know Him more and more each day.

My faith is a crutch? Do not insult my Lord. Jesus is not my crutch. He is my lifeline. He is the very air I need to breathe. I don’t want to go to heaven and live eternally if He’s not there. It is not heaven that I seek my friend, its Jesus. And apparently His glory, beauty, love, holiness, goodness, etc. is so infinite, I’d have to spend an eternity grasping, understanding, and worshiping Him. Praise the Lord, for He is worthy.

“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”- 1 Corinthians 15: 55

Grace & Peace,

Christian Januar Pakpahan

Dear Blog,

In a few hours time 2008 will end a new year will begin..  There are 2 things I can say about 2008 and both sound cliche but are true..  This year went by fast and everything changed.  I find it fascinating that it is always near new year’s that we realize how fast time appears to be..  It feels like last week I started my final year and it feels like yesterday I was studying for the final exams.  Life passess by like a blink of an eye, wasn’t it yesterday that I finished highschool?  Its a bit scary sometimes, I’m 21 and have graduated from college, yet I can still remember my childhood years riding my bike with Robert Boylan near Jeremy’s house.  One more blink I’ll be married and have kids, another blink I’ll get retired, and then eventually I’ll close my eyes to this world forever..  Thank the Lord that Jesus saves that I may have hope outside this life.

“If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.” - 1 Corinthians 15:19

This year would be a very special marker for me because it signifies the end of the beginning..  I have concluded the stage in life where I predominantly learn and am supported by people..  By all means in all stages I will need help from people and learning is practically lifelong, but I guess in this stage it was the main focus.  Learning not only through education but through family and friends on how to live, love, grow in faith, etc2 so that I don’t screw up when I’m on my own.  Yes I’ll make mistakes but I hope I’ve learned enough from the mistakes of others not to repeat them for myself.

This is also the year I wish to end my financial dependence on my parents.  It’s about time I stand up on my own 2 feet financially and lift the burden from off their shoulders.  Thats why I really want to get a full-time job as quick as I can, especially with this economic crisis coming up.  The other reason is because its a must if I am to truly become a real man.  Men do not need to be supported by their parents, I understand if their from a difficult economic background, but I’m not.  My parents have given me a great education and its time I start earning the dough and managing my own money.  There is another reason to this, but I’ll discuss it later in the blog.

To reflect on the end of my boyhood I guess I’ll take it from three angles: Faith (Always have to talk about this haha), Vocation (Career), and Love (Romantic Love - Uuuu!).  In general, looking back at my 21 years I have to say that I am one of the most blessed individuals.  A glaring thing the Lord has graced me with is Diversity.

My experiences throughout 21 years has been totally diverse, privileged to live through many extremes of life in several different dimensions.  I guess as a result I have become a generalist.  A very broad spectrum of knowledge, experience, and friends.  This has its downside as I will discuss more in vocation, but it does allow me to see the big picture clearly and not go off track when the details get a little messy.  Geographically I’ve lived in many areas, economically I’ve been in need but am currently in abundance, and socially I’ve been a minority and majority both in faith and background.  Though I am still struggling, I try my best to learn to be content in every situation.

Faith:

Primary learning point: Walking in the truth is like walking on the edge of a razor blade.  Firstly, As stated in my former post I have walked the path of a self-righteous legalist pharisee and of an unrepentant sinner.  I’ll tell you, its hard not going into either.  And quite honestly, I’m more inclined into self-righteousness, though I may not say it out loud, I do feel it in my heart.  One must constantly look at Jesus and the cross not to slip into both.  If He died at the cross for my sins, in what will I boast if I am to succeed in doing His command?  It is His grace as well that allows me to complete it.

“For who sees anything different in you? What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?” - 1 Corinthians 4: 7

The second error is the unrepentant sinning.  Sometimes you just feel like giving up don’t you?  You try your hardest but you fall again and again.  And I’ve heard over and over that our perfection and holiness will be complete in Christ’s coming and this is all a process to reach that but every time I fall I feel so idiotic and ungrateful for what He has done.  I thank God He loves me unconditionally, He loves inspite of me, for if His love depends on my own morality and religious vigor I am of all men to be most terrified.  I am slowly understanding that repentance is a lifelong thing just like learning.  It serves 2 purposes.  It breaks you down from self-righteousness and constant focusing of ’self’ and it forces you to look at God’s love and mercy.  There’s unexplainable joy after repentance, its an awkward thing really, crushing all confidence in myself makes me the happiest man alive cause I put it all in Jesus.  And when its there I become bold in facing anything.  Fear of the future, economy, studies, become absolutely nothing when I remember how great He is..  Maybe thats why its a process throughout our lifetime.  If we were to never sin again I wonder if I would stop relying on God, or maybe stop admiring His faithfulness.  I am saved not because I am more Holy, Good, or Righteous.  I’m saved because I am wretched, and the glory of His love is revealed by His laying down His life while we were still sinners.  Not only that, He remains faithful eventhough I don’t.  The Lord is Love.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” - Lamentations 3: 23

There is also another possibility that’s caused by unrepentant sinning.  Some people (myself included in the past) wonder that if Jesus died for our sins past, present, and future why not sin more?  It’s paid for right?  And if God’s love is glorified the more I sin why not sin more so that He may be glorified more?

“Why not say let us do evil that good may result?  Their condemnation is deserved.” - Romans 3: 8

If a man died so that you can live would you disrespect him by doing that very thing that caused him to die for you?  If you caused a car accident because you were drunk and a person died because of that, would you honestly still drink and drive?  Your family and friends would cry, “Have you learned nothing from that experience!”  Then again, you might do it again if you were an alcoholic and had difficulty letting go, but I’m sure you would feel guilty and you would continously try to get rid of your alcoholism.  In some respects that’s how its like with sin.  It caused my Lord to die, and although knowing that I struggle with it because well I’m still ‘recovering’.  I don’t sin as much as I used to, but I’m not perfectly holy, and when I sin it feels like crap.  This analogy breaks down because the victim in the car was an unwilling unsuspecting one, where Jesus did so willingly and knowingly.  Its hard to find a good analogy because His cross is something this world has never seen.  A man doesn’t lay down his life so his enemies can live.

Secondly, it’s a very difficult thing being faithful to God and also effective to bless the world.  There is an added dimension in which we live.  We are to be in the Lord and yet in the world as well.  Sometimes we focus on only one of those aspects.  I believe most conservative believers are focused on being in the Lord.  Their prayerlife is great, read the Good Book every day, trying to be as Holy as they can, memorize Bible verses, active in church, etc.  Very strong faith, yet it seems that they fear going ‘into’ the world, relating with non-believers, sharing the gospel, blessing the disadvantaged.  They forgot the most important part:

“I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.” - John 17: 23

The more liberal believers focus primarily on being in the world.  They are such a blessing to the needy, marginalized and lost.  Actively helping people, and sharing their faith with them.  Loving and caring to making this world a better place.  Very strong love, yet there is a danger of comprimise and complacence.  There is a constant danger of being in the world and also of the world.  Some may alter their views on certain social issues that are clearly unbiblical, and some may stray away due to influences.  This is what makes it difficult, we tend to focus on either one or the other.  Honestly, I am more inclined to being in the Lord.  I think I still need to do quite a lot in terms of applying my faith, increasing my love for the lost and actively being in the world as a blessing.  Thats what I love about this faith, it is so dynamic.  We don’t wear some jedi robe and live isolated in a high mountain to free ourselves from suffering of this world while we allow others down there to suffer.  Nor do we live as if there is no God and we can do whatever we want as the world sees as right and good.  It’s challenging to balance both, but it makes life so much richer, having the joy of knowing a loving God, and the joy of sharing His love with the world.  Two for one!  Like boxing day hehehe..

Finally, I have somewhat given up on convincing a person to faith through rationalization.  In my younger years I feared seeking out the truth of my convictions for fear that I may conclude that what I believe is not true.  I know that there are a number of people, a few famous philosophers as well that studied theology and eventually left the faith.  I always pondered whether they truly found something wrong, and for a time I didn’t want to know.  Thank God I got up the courage to seriously question my faith, and study it throughly, probably not as much as scholars do but enough to understand its foundations, philosophically, ontologically, and historically.  These efforts have only strengthened my convictions, and thanks to preacher R C Sproul I could accurately understand the false premises which the philosophers who were against the faith had.  I read a few books on apologetics, and there was a whole series given by RC Sproul comparing Christanity with major worldviews past and present, which helped me alot to understand flaws in atheism, secularism, hedonism, pragmatism, existentialism, etc..

I also found out historically how real the resurrection of Jesus Christ was.  I know the major arguments like He didn’t really die on the cross (Yeah, I bet the Romans were incompetent in killing.  And of course being wrapped in linen, having no food or medical treatment after being speared to the side he was able to lift a huge boulder and knock two Roman soldiers unconcious. Common sense man!), the disciples stole the body while the guards fell asleep (Yeah, and then they lied to everyone so that they could get persecuted and die!  Peter went a step further with the lie and asked to be crucified upside down! I’m sure all of them gained a lot of money, wealth, and power from that lie.  Common sense man!), A look-alike died (This is honestly confusing for me, there is not a shred of evidence that states there was someone who looked like Jesus that existed in that time.  Twin-brother?  Mary would probably have said something about that.),  The disciples hallucinated (To begin with a hallucination is a private thing, if you hallucinate chances are the friends next to you won’t.  Jesus appeared to approximately 500 people after resurrection, some in groups.  And these people were well alive during the time the gospels and epistles were written to confirm it.  And it still doesn’t explain why Paul would hallucinate.  He was too busy killing Christians when Jesus appeared to Him.  He’s the most unlikely person to hallucinate Jesus.  A guilty conscience?  If he felt guilty he wouldn’t have had so much zeal persecuting christians).  There are a few others but those are the main ones.  Anyway, these and other historical findings by Secular scholars have confirmed my faith.  I’ve studied this so that I could try to convince people about Jesus without using the Bible but pure reason.  I have realized though that you can’t.  I’ve totally quit on debating existence of God though it is a very simple argument, ex nihilo nihil fit (Out of nothing, nothing comes).  And don’t give me that crap on how the universe had always infinitely existed, think about it long and hard for a few minutes and you know it doesn’t make any sense.  The fact is:

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities - His eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.” - Romans 1: 20

I know as well that Jesus is clearly a historical figure, not a myth.  Neither was His virgin birth or resurrection.  “Always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect” - 1 Peter 3: 15

But I do realize that this is not the ultimate means for evangelism.    Because men are blind, as I was, and hearts are hard as I was.  Evidence?

Quote from Professor George Wald, Harvard University professor, Nobel Laurete in the field of biology:

“When it comes to the origin of life, we have only two possibilities as to how life arose. One is spontaneous generation arising to evolution; the other is a supernatural creative act of God. There is no third possibility…Spontaneous generation was scientifically disproved one hundred years ago by Louis Pasteur, Spellanzani, Reddy and others. That leads us scientifically to only one possible conclusion — that life arose as a supernatural creative act of God…I will not accept that philosophically because I do not want to believe in God. Therefore, I choose to believe in that which I know is scientifically impossible, spontaneous generation arising to evolution.” - Scientific American

Wow, what an objective and non-biased scientist =)..  Please don’t contact me concerning evolution vs creation, I’m not a scientist and I know the church has got it wrong concerning the earth revolving around the sun.  This is not a critical issue for me, either way God still exists, and I prefer economics!

Anyway, I realize that though it is evident that Jesus is Lord, “Faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.” - Romans 10:17.  Thats why I’ve been spilling Bible verses throughout this whole post hahaha..  So to conclude my journey of faith helped me to have righteousness through Jesus Christ, aided me to live both in God and in the world, and use knowledge to defend my beliefs but use the word of God to share it.

Vocation:

In terms of career in the future, God has me stretching my faith.  Currently I don’t have a fulltime job yet, the economy sucks, and I have no idea what field I want to work in.  This is the position I hate to be in the most.  No clear future, I hate it.  I’m a planner, and I have to have my next steps clear and neat before I take them.  In junior high i knew which highschool I aimed for, at senior high I knew I wanted to major in the sciences, in Melbourne I knew I wanted to do Commerce.  And now…  Blank Slate..

I guess now I’ll share the downside of being a generalist.  Because I like being broad in knowledge and experiences I end up not knowing what to focus on.  Having studied accounting and finance I find both interesting and has different benefits.  Having worked as an auditor and investment banker I find both too has its strengths and weaknesses.  I feel I have a wide variety of opportunities to step into, but the problem is I only need to choose one.  The problem with having width in skills and knowledge, is you don’t have a niche.  Your adequate at everything, but you are the best in nothing.  Jack of all trades, master of none.  How I envy people who know what they want to do for the rest of their lives.  But I guess this is the fun of being young, we can do anything, the future is not set, everything is flexible.  I just pray I can learn to work hard and glorify His name.  I am quite aware that most people when they start working, kind of backslide in their faith.  I know that I may be this vigorous and idealistic because I’m young and haven’t experienced the real world.  There are quite a few people I know who kind of became a bit more ‘realistic’ and comprimising when they started work.  I’m not judging my Master’s servants, but I pray that my vigor and idealism doesn’t die down as I grow older, but grow stronger.  I wish to be unreasonable when it comes to facing world’s values and systems.  “A reasonable man adapts himself to his environment. An unreasonable man persists in attempting to adapt his environment to suit himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” - George Bernard Shaw.  May the Lord bring contentment with the grace of a fulltime job next year, and through it may the Lord be glorified and others edified. Amen.

Love:

Ah, looooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee!  Its been a while I must say, and I was doing just fine focusing on uni and ministry.  Allow me to rant about this bitter-sweet thing called love..  Okay, its not love, its infatuation.  I HATE INFATUATION!  I’ve had it on and off throughout this whole year giving me emotional highs and lows like some emo kid.  I am a stoic, stable, and focused person and absolutely hate it when my emotions are suddenly disturbed by something as stupid as a smile (a veerryy beautiful smile…).  I wonder if its because its been so long since I’ve had a crush on someone that I somehow forgot how to handle it.  Can you explain why I can speak comfortably to every other girl except her?  I just pass her by and try not to make direct eye contact when I’m near her, she probably thinks I hate her or something.  Ah Densha Otoko, help me! Hehehe..  And why is it that her smile can remain in my thick skull for weeks?  Oh yeah, and she always reappears when I’ve successfully forgotten about her smile, its like she’s doing it on purpose man!  Finally, what’s with her entering my dreams?  I think she’s been in more of my dreams than any other girl.  I know quite well its caused by constantly suppressing her into my sub-concious.  What I hate about it is that I’m least likely to be even friends with a girl I’m infatuated with.  Its that ’she’s way out of your league’ mentality I get from over-admiring her.  She just makes me irrational! My usual long and draggy sentences suddenly become short, simple, and stupid.  I’ve poured soup onto a tray instead of a plate thinking of her.  It takes 4 hours to finish lunch.  I’ve choked on my food when somebody unknowingly talked about her.  I’m even stupid in my dreams about her.  It took me 4 dreams till I finally introduced myself to her.  I was pissed off when I woke up afterwards hahaha..

On a more serious note, I hate infatuation because it can become idolatry.  I know its fair and normal for people to like other people.  But for me it kind of went too far.  There were probably instances where she took the place of worship before God if I am to be honest.  Its like meditating about her day and night man.  And when she’s at church I have trouble focusing during worship and the word (Aha!  She goes to church..  Hmm..).  There were various times where I thought about her more than God, and wanted to know her more than God.  I have to remind myself if God created a woman so beautiful how much more beautiful must the Creator be.  Anyways, hopefully next year I’ll get to know her and be friends.  Usually the more you know someone the less you find their perfect hence less infatuation and less idolatry.

Another major thing about love is that I’ve somewhat put dating on hold.  I’ll date again when I’m prepared.  To begin with, I have always been a believer that the purpose of dating should be for marriage.  Dating for fun is quite stupid to me, its like running a race knowing you’ll lose, and I hate that lame excuse that ‘nobody will get hurt’ because someone always does.  Learn from other people’s experiences man.  Now with the purpose of marriage in mind, then obviously I should start dating when I’m ready to get married.  Am I ready to get married?  Hahahaha absolutely not!  Honestly, if I want the privilege of taking care of a woman, I better be a man.  And right now I don’t think I am (Insert Confused Gender Joke Here hahaha).  There are two problems I have with dating at my current maturity.

Firstly, ‘dating’ is actually something new.  Before, there was courtship and arranged marriage.  I’m quite neutral to arranged marriage though quite honestly I don’t want one.  However, its actually safer for parents to choose a spouse for their child rather than the children choose because good parents are a lot more wiser then us idiot youth about the important things to look for in finding a spouse.  I know there are the soap opera drama scenarios where there is an arranged marriage when the girl actually loves another guy and thats why I don’t believe in both extremes, there should be consensus by both sides concerning spouses.  Courtship I find is probably the best way to define my type of ‘dating’ but honestly its a bit scary.  First of all I’d have to talk to my parents about my readiness to ‘date’ a woman.  Then before dating her I’d have to talk to her father about my intentions and everything.  That my friend is the scary part.  You know you’re a man when you can talk to your potential father-in-law about dating her daughter.  I know today parents are modern and nice, but I always imagine that a father of a girlfriend would be that overbearing, military, I-have-a-shotgun-if-you-make-her-cry kind of person.  Well, after my talk with her father, he’ll talk to the girl and we’ll confirm whether or not its a good idea.  I would have laughed at this idea three years ago, it sounds so old school.  But I guess if your really serious about someone you would want to make a good first impression on her parents, and honouring them will go a long way in the happiness of marriage.  Of course this method doesn’t have to be followed to the dot, there are many different circumstances but I hope you get the picture.

Secondly, the term ‘teenager/youth’ is something I have a problem with now.  In the past you were either a boy or a man and I prefer to keep it that way.  Being a teenager gives boys the most comfortable position: between childhood and manhood.  As a result, he can enjoy the priviliges of a man (like being with a woman), yet totally forsake the responsibilities of one (like leading her spiritually, providing for her financially, and protecting her physically).  Thats the best deal ever dude!  And thats why people remain teenagers well until there late 20s playing video games, etc.  I realized that so long as I’m still a boy, I have no right to even think about women.

“Therefore a MAN shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” - Genesis 2: 24

Now the crucial question, how do I determine when I’m a man?  Well, first of all I must no longer be dependent on my parents.  Boys depend on their parents, men stand alone.  Of course I’ll ask for help from time to time, but they won’t be my primary source of everything.  Thats the other reason why I want to get a full time job quickly, so I can fulfill this criteria and get a woman hahaha.  Second of all I should be at a stage where someone can depend on me.  The three things I’m critical about is being a priest, a provider, and a protector.

Priest:  I need to be able to spiritually lead and guide my wife to a stronger faith and relationship with God.  Of course she’ll also help me out, but I know I’ll be the one accountable to God if the faith of my family dwindles.

Provider:  I must be capable of providing the basic needs of my family.  I know now both the man and woman can work but my financial income must be capable of giving her the option to leave her work if we were to raise many children or something else.  If my family goes hungry its on my head.

Protector:  Its not like I need to be Bruce Lee or anything but I believe I should have the courage and resolve to protect my wife no matter what.  To lay down my life (Thats a tough one).  I don’t need to be able to beat up 100 men, but I should be prepared to be beaten up by 100 men to protect her.

As you can see, the demands are high and I have a long way to go but I’m getting there.  And until I believe I am adequate on those three sectors (I know I won’t be totally perfect) I just won’t date.  The women are plentiful but the men are few hahaha..

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word” - Ephesians 5: 25-26

Do you realize how demanding this verse is?  Love my wife like Christ loved the church!  If I go back to the cross then this is an impossible task!  I am in no hurry to get married man hahaha..  I must give my life to my wife and not only that but also sanctify her?  I don’t know why feminists have a problem with men being the head of the house.  I know some men have misused the authority but honestly being the head is quite daunting.  I’d be responsible for everything that happened, answerable to God.  Thats scary man, especially knowing I have to take care of His daughter.  I imagine if I had a daughter, and some boy did something to make her cry, I’d probably run over him with my car hehehe..  I know I’ll never do a perfect job, nor will I perfectly succeed in raising a family and loving my wife like Christ does.  But I am taking this marriage thing alot more seriously.  And as a result I have to take dating more seriously.  And as a result I have to take my manhood more seriously.

I am no longer afraid that I won’t find the right woman, I’m more afraid that I might not become the right man.

Conclusion

In conclusion, this year ends the beginning stage of my life.  I am full-focused on becoming a man next year.  Among all things, this world lacks real men.  Not steroid-pumping, gym womanizers nor the cowardly, go with the flow, apathetic boys.  Men who are strong to protect not overbear, brave to face challenges and swim against the flow, sensitive towards the broken reeds, and wise in solving problems from the simple to the complex.  I am still childish in that I still play video games, but I do wish to get over it.  For relaxation its alright but I shouldn’t play as often as boys do.

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” - 1 Corinthians 13

I also aim to enhance my ideas by learning through books, listening to sermons through podcasts, and being around older godly men.  I love being around my friends and all, but in order to grow I have to be around those with more experience and wisdom.  The books you read and the company you keep will determine the man you will become.  All in all, I must remind myself that the man I become is dependent on the grace the Lord gives to me.  There are no great men of God, there are only pathetic useless men with a great God.

“The purpose of an open mind is to close on something solid” - G.K. Chesterton

Do you have an open mind?  I believe today most people are open minded and we’ve pretty much shifted away from narrow-minded thoughts, practices, and ideas.  This is both good and bad.  The good thing is, the open minded person would be willing to look into different concepts and ideas of other people therefore there is not as much intolerance of faith or racism in the current generation.  The bad thing is, because of this concept of an open mind, people have forgotten the idea of real truth.  Absolute truth.  I am quite an open-minded person.  I hate narrow-mindedness therefore I like to constantly study and observe different ideas.  My experience as a debater has also opened my mind by forcing me to view issues on both sides of the coin instead of the one that I’m accustomed to.  Living my life in three different nations has also exposed me to different ideas realizing that there are pros and cons to every culture.  As a result, I have become quite understanding of people coming from different backgrounds with their differing perspectives of life.  However, this has also made me very easily disturbed in my faith as I can see the validity of several arguments against it.  But in these past months I’ve truly been diving into Truth and found that it is absolute and it is unchanging.  I have more clearly discovered the Truth about Truth, the Truth about us, and the Truth about God.

The Truth about Truth

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” - John 8: 32

Truth has become relative in our post-modern age, people believe there is no Absolute truth, no real right and wrong, which gives birth to ‘all roads lead to rome’ (All religions bring salvation) or because there is no real truth people become more Pragmatic, concentrating on the ‘how’ because they can’t find the answer to ‘why’.  You see ideas have consequences.  Realize it or not, your whole life, way of thinking, and priorities are based on the Ideas you hold.  But think about truth being relative.  If Truth is relative, then there is no truth.  If your favourite colour is relative to the person who sees it, then there is no dominant favourite colour.  There is no such thing as a universal absolute colour.

Sadly, this post-modern view that truth is relative is anything but ‘post-modern’.  Its been there since ancient Greece, just repackaged.  Its roots were in Gnosticism which basically syncretized several beliefs into one like many New Age movements today.  There is also the Baha’i faith that emphasized unity among all religions.  Before I comment on this, let me say one of the reasons I know I found Truth is because it is not completely what “I want it to be”.  Yes, I want salvation, and a loving God, but among these things, I would like salvation to be attainable through all faiths.  As a product of my own times I have been heavily influenced by post-modernism and humanism.  I love humans, am quite an altruist and want to the most good for those that suffer around the world.  Therefore, I do not want other people to perish because they followed the wrong faith.  And this is when the Truth hurts.  In my search, I have found that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven.  I honestly, do not “want” this to be true for I have plenty of friends who do not believe but I must say that it is.  A person who believes that ‘all roads lead to heaven’ has shallow understanding of the religions.  Either that or they choose not to ‘read’ or ‘believe’ in things that contradict with their Ideas.  By saying that Jesus is the only way, I’m not saying that all religions are bad.  All religions I believe are good, they provide guidelines on becoming good people, and they have certain Truth within them, but the complete Truth is in Jesus.  All religions are good but not all religions save.  This life is not just about being ‘good’ and living the ‘right’ way.  The stark difference between other religions with Christianity is Christianity’s reliance of faith alone.  All other faiths are man’s attempt to reconcile himself with God (which shows the universal truth that everybody believes that their guilty of sin and should find a way back to God).  Christianity on the other hand, believes that there is no way that man can reconcile himself back to God, but the Lord is merciful and He paid the high price of man’s redemption that those who admit humbly that they are hopeless in becoming righteous and also humbly receive the gift of God will be saved.

At first glance this may seem easier than trying to attain salvation yourself, but think about it.  Do you honestly believe you can be saved from a crime you commited by doing good deeds, sacrificing lambs, or other ritual practices?  In the real world context.  If someone has murdered another person, and he’s brought to court, do you think he can go to the judge and say, “Hey I know I murdered this guy, but I’m a doctor and I’ve saved about 200 peoples lives so can you let me off the hook?”.  You and I know a murderer will be thrown in jail no matter how many people he has saved or good deeds he has done.  If that is true for humans judging humans how much more true would it be for God judging humans?

Talking about Truth, it is even difficult to find it within the faith.  I tell you, there are so many false teachers and false doctrines within the Christian faith no wonder so many people are disenchanted by it.  For example, as a child I think I had a church with a more ’sin, hell, and brimstone’ view of the gospel.  This caused me to think that God was a quick to anger judge who just waits for me to mess up so He can punish me.  This turned me into a Legalist, following rules and laws for no real reason, just so that He won’t be mad at me.  This left me heavily burdened and disgruntled as I find it impossible to satisfy these demands.  Then in my teenage years, I was exposed to the health, wealth, and prosperity doctrine where God suddenly became Santa Clause who gives money, forgives sins no matter how unsincere your repentance is, and will bring you to heaven even if you still live so lavishly in sin.  This practically zapped all the life-changing power away from Truth, because I had no incentive to change my sinful lifestyle or seek Him more.  See the distortions?  Thats why several churches today has lost their power, they just seek to please the ears of men and not proclaim the Truth about God.  Thats why Christianity is dying out in the west though it flourishes in the rest of the world.  There are three things I realized about Truth:

1.  It is unbiased to the prejudices of our mind (It is true even if we don’t want it to be)

2.  It is solid (I usually change and shift my ideas and perspective of life, however when I found the Truth, no arguments or counter-ideas can sway me away from it)

3.  It is eternal (Thats why the ancient Bible is still very relevant today, the principles taken from it still applies)

The Truth about Us

Another major Truth that I found that was unsettling is the moral state of man.  Let me say first that I used to be the most naive person on the planet.  My close friends would know this, I trust people and I would give them my trust even if they don’t deserve it.  Thats because I used to believe that people are in general good.  Either that or their morally neutral and aim to be good.  The Truth states that man is radically depraved, evil, and corrupt.  And I have found that it is true.  If you want to look at the real world context you can see it in the wars going on, the several corporate collapses due to lies and stealing, etc2.  Everyone?  You mean not even one is good?  Think about it.  We are usually well behaved because we were well disciplined by our parents.  But in all honesty, if someone were to know our evil thoughts towards one another it would be a whole different story.  If all my thoughts since I was a child until now were recorded and put into a DVD and played in front of everyone in public, I would run away and make sure nobody ever sees me again.  My thoughts have been so evil I wouldn’t even share them with my closest friends.  And I am quite sure your thoughts are the same.  Evil intentions and thoughts come from evil hearts.  We were just taught not to take action when they arrise.  And from that I must admit that everyone is evil.  That brings me to the frequent Hypothetical, “what if there was an innocent/good man who has never heard about Jesus somewhere in the middle of a jungle.  Would he go to Hell?”  My answer?  No he wouldn’t.  Because he is innocent/good he wouldn’t need Jesus because he is already right in God’s eyes.  The real question my friend is is there an innocent/good man?  Thats why I’m no longer worried about hypotheticals such as this that used to bother me.  The Lord is God of Justice, He will never condemn an innocent man.  The question is that “is there an innocent man?”

Have you ever really repented?  In my early days I think my repentance was more like a “forgive me God” in my nightly prayers.  Recently, I have learned afresh the true meaning of repentance.  When God revealed to me how truly evil I am, I could not help but cry and scream out loud to the Lord.  I cried many nights for several weeks, some to the point of puking.  I finally understood true repentance, it is this unbelievable remorse of the sins I’ve commited.  Initially, as a young believer I used to think I was a relatively good person.  Sure I commited some sins but nothing severe, never caught by police for anything.  But I’ve seen that I have commited horendous atrocities to the Lord who has given me nothing but grace all the days of my life.  Sinning against a man is one thing, sinning against a Holy God who has done nothing but good to you causes you to break down and cry as if your sure your soul deserves to be in Hell.  Then and there you realize there is no possible way for you yourself to atone for your sin, and then and there you accept God’s gift of salvation through the blood of Jesus Christ.  That my friend is the whole council of God.  Previously I was a self-righteous legalist in my childhood because I feared God’s wrath, then I was a self-centered nominal christian who took lightly the forgiveness through God’s love.  The Truth is, the more you realize that you’re evil and a sinner and you justly deserve God’s wrath, the more powerful you feel God’s love and mercy and the more meaningful His grace is.  Honestly, the more I realize my sin, the more incomprehensible it is for me to understand why He loves me.  People say the greatest act of faith is raising people from the dead.  I say the greatest act of faith is looking in the mirror at all your sin and wickedness and still believe that God loves you.  The truth about us is that we are evil, and this may be harder to realize for the self-righteous and those who have always followed the rules for the sake of it.  But just reflect on the evil thoughts you have had, you would have commited them if there were no consequences right?  I assure you, we are all evil, and it would take Divine intervention to make us good again.

The Truth about God

My God is no longer the God “I want Him to be.”  And because of that I know that it is truly God.  Not something conformed to my own mind and desires.  My God is one that is just and loving.  The loving part is always nice, and everyone wants to believe that part of God.  What people forget is God is Just.  He is holy, holy, holy.  Thrice holy!  God is Love.  But God is Holy, Holy, Holy.  And this is where the problem lies.  You know I have problems reading the Old Testament.  My humanistic and post-modern influence always struggle with the thought that God would flood the whole earth and destroy everybody.  He would wipe out nations, and commit somewhat of a genocide.  You know my problem?  I was looking from a human’s point of view.  I still thought that those people must be innocent.  I perfectly neglected the fact that all those things were caused by the wickedness of the people, and their evil.  I must admit that God is Just in these things for He is a Holy God.  And as I see the evil in today’s world I thank God that He is Just.  If it appears that the wicked aren’t being punished, I know that in the end they will receive their Just punishments.  The true problem does not actually lie within the sinners and condemnation, it lies withing the saved and their forgiveness.  If God is a Just God, how can He forgive sinners?  Think about it.  If someone murders your whole family and is caught and brought to court.  What would you say if the judge says, “Well I know he has massacred a whole family, but since I’m a loving judge I’ll choose to let him run loose.” and they acquit him for his crime?  You and I would certainly believe that the judge in court is just as wicked as the person who murdered your family.

“Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent, the Lord detests them both” - Proverbs 17:15

This is the great dilemma of the gospel.  A God of Justice cannot acquit the guilty for the sake of His love and remain Just.  That is why Jesus had to come down to earth and satisfy justice so that the guilty may be saved.  There are 2 issues I would like to raise concerning Jesus’ and the cross.  Some people ask, how can the death of 1 man dying on the cross justify the sin of a multitude?  That my friend, is why we don’t consider Jesus as just a man.  A man could never save the sin of many, probably just himself if he was righteous and holy.  Jesus was the Son of God, His worth is more than all men created.  All creation could not even amount to an ounce of His worth in the eyes of God, therefore His sacrifice is more than enough to cover the sin of a multitude.  This also brings me to my second issue, Jesus’ suffering.  Why do you think Jesus sweat blood the night before the crucifiction?  Do you honestly think he was afraid of the physical and psychological pain He would endure?  I don’t want to take anything away from that suffering, but most of the early Christian martyrs were crucified as well, some upside down, and they went to the crucifiction singing with joy.  The real reason that Jesus sweat blood that night, because what was in the cup of tribulation was not just physical and psychological suffering, but the Wrath of God stored up for men would be spilled unto Him.  Thats how terrible the Wrath of God is, one probably couldn’t even imagine the horror of having the Wrath of God being poured unto you.  And He experienced all that so that we might be saved.  So that we might have a true relationship with God.

Conclusion

So we believe that a God of Justice would send His Son to come down and suffer with His creation when He clearly didn’t need to, and then die not only in physical pain, but under the condemnation of a Holy God so that people who don’t deserve to be saved (and never can attain the status of deserving to be saved) would be able to receive eternal life if they stopped relying on their own works to please God and relied on the completed work of Jesus Christ.  Do you honestly think that we can believe this, and still believe there are other ways to heaven?  It would be an insult to my Lord and saviour Jesus Christ to say that His sacrifice was ‘just’ another way to heaven.  Thats why Christians were persecuted in the early years.  The Roman Empire was an empire of many gods.  People there were taught to respect and worship other gods as well as their own.  Christians were considered atheists for only believing that their God was the real God and all others were false.  But after considering Jesus and His sacrifice I would rather be disregarded by men then disregard the Lord who saved me.  One of the best things about truly understanding Truth is life is no longer boring and pointless.  I am constantly at war, and loving it.  As a man, I think I have to fight for something and I’ve certainly found a worthy cause.  There is a battle in my mind between Truth and lies (imposing ideas), a battle in my soul between flesh and spirit, and a battle in my heart between God and the world.  I love the battles, I lose some but ultimately I know that victory is assured because it is not in my hands but His.  The Truth is absolute and real.  I suggest you search for it if you haven’t found it.  Its not a matter of life and death, its a matter of eternal salvation or condemnation.

“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.” - CS Lewis

Faith, Hope, and Love,

Christian J Pakpahan

Additional Thoughts:

I would just like to address some misconceptions on truth.  The Truth is absolute, however its application may differ.  You must have the principle to guide your application.  For example, if I get into a quarrel with an enemy and he punches me because of a disagreement, I should not retaliate for I am suppose to show love when he shows hate.  However, if I find a sister in Christ being bothered by a man late at night in a dark alley, confronting him and fighting him so that she can escape and be protected would show my love towards her.  Both applications are on two extremes, non-violence and violence.  Yet both are guided by the same principle, “they show love”.  Retaliating from a punch by a guy your quarelling with shows hatred.  On the other hand, not doing anything or running away when a sister in Christ needs protection shows cowardice.  Both don’t show love.

Another thought that I would like to share is the idea between moderation and decisiveness.  We must be able to recognize which issues require balance and which requires to be totally correct.  Food is an example of moderation.  Eat too much you become obese, and eat too little you become anorexic.  One must create a balance in their eating habits.  Math is decisive.  2+2 = 4 and will always equal 4.  You can’t strike a balance that it may be 3 or 5.  It is absolute.  On matters of faith I believe we must be decisive.  This is because truth is absolute.  Read all you want, search as long as you can, anywhere you want, but make sure you find Truth, it is able to be found.  In matters of being devout we also must be decisive.  If we believe in God, wouldn’t the most logical response be to know Him more and do everything for His glory?  However in matters of lifestyle we should be moderate.  Don’t turn into some self-righteous pharisee who ceases to become relevant to other people because he is too ‘into’ God.  One should always be in touch with the real world, current news, etc2..  Talk to people about normal things such as weather, sports, studies, etc2..  Do normal things like play basketball, read books, study, work, etc.  Strike a balance, but be decisive in the purpose of this balance, the purpose must be to glorify God.

“The ancient oracle said that
I was the wisest of all the Greeks. It is because I alone, of all the
Greeks, know that I know nothing.” - Socrates

Initially I just thought these words were just cool, displaying humility of a man who was actually a wise philosopher.  However, this last semester I begun to realize that maybe this was actually what he felt, not a ‘reverse psychological’ display of his knowledge and wisdom, maybe he realized in his search that he knows nothing just like what I’m realizing now…

    Incompetence..  I hate that word..  Growing up in an Asian culture that values high performance and hard work I understood incompetence was not an option, but this semester I can’t help shake the feeling that I am incapable of doing lots of things…  This feeling didn’t come about from uni or work..  The beauty of studying and university is that your incompetence can be trained in solitude, studying hard by yourself and making all those stupid mistakes when nobody is looking..  Then when it comes to exams and assignment you have become ’smart’ or ‘capable’ hence the final result is that everyone can see only the ‘impressive’ side of you, thats why I’ve grown to be alright studying, of course there is stress and stuff, but in the end if you work hard its possible to only show that ‘competent’ side of you..  Work is similar to uni in a way, so long as you constantly ask questions and do a little extra in the beginning, you can shorten your learning curve and limit the people who know your limitations to your boss and mentor…  The Incompetence I’ve felt this semester comes from serving in ministry (and partly from learning tennis hehe), but it has allowed me to realize three very important things, Dependence on God, God’s Sovereignty, and True prayer…

    This semester was the time I really got into ministry, putting a real effort in it..  This sem I started leading cell, leading worship for alpha, and substituting a friend for leading an alpha group as well..  I can tell you, coming back from Indo last Feb I was fired up to be a leader,  but right now I fully understand that there is nothing glamorous about leadership..  It’s hard work, hard on the heart as well, taking on more responsibility than you need to and giving up more rights than you want to..  It’s hard work cause there are more meetings that you need to attend, more admin work to complete, things to organize, and preparation for the weekly bible study (although I doubt I adequately did any of the above jobs)..  Its hard on the heart because sometimes you can feel abandoned and isolated, there were a few people that left either because they had to go back to their home country or because they had to move cities (including my past cell leader and co leader) which significantly dwindled our group, but of course I fully understood and accepted the situation..  And then there are those who just stopped turning up, after calling and texting, and by all means of course its probably cause they don’t feel that the cell suits them and I shouldn’t take it personally, but sometimes you can’t help but take it personally…   I read in Jon Maxwell’s book that ‘the purest form of leadership is voluntary leadership’.  Its leadership only through influence and nothing else, no formal position that controls other people’s salaries, promotion, or punishments, and thats where I realized I am unable to influence my friends..  Anyway, that sums up why I felt incompetent as a cell leader, people declining and my own inability to do a proper job of bible study.. 
    As a worship leader, I’m kind of glad that I discovered my incompetence for it,  it helps me realize the difference between my strengths and weaknesses.  Cell leading, although its stressful, still sparked something in my heart, and I still have a passion for it despite all the issues.  Worship, I clearly understood wasn’t for me, especially worship leading..  Throughout the ten weeks of alpha, i dreaded each time of worship and made several mistakes each round, felt no peace or joy doing it..  But half way through the alpha, I kind of made peace with God, acknowledging that I know that this was not what He wanted me in, and although I still screwed up I felt His Holy Spirit with me for the remaining times of worship..  I still may consider backup singing but I have no musical background or passion to be worship leading..  I am thankful for the opportunity to branch out and try different things, so I can discern the service I’m gifted for and those I’m not…
    Substituting leadership in Alpha wasn’t really a downside for me, it was just that there was a time when I had to do all three things at the same time and was on the verge of burning out..  Do you ever wonder how things tend to pile up into one week?  There was a moment where I had church lunch, alpha weekend retreat where I lead and worshiped, and two midsemester exams accounting for 30% of my grade..  That was probably one of my climaxes this semester, thank God I had friends to delegate some of the jobs to…  Anyway, despite these dire and overwhelming circumstances, I got through it and my grades didn’t really suffer as I thought it would (only by God’s grace).  Although it was heavy, you can’t help but smile after going through challenging times and realizing ‘God carried me through that’.  And I know this is nothing compared to what other people have gone through, but I’m not as capable as you guys are (Remember incompetent! hehehe) so I was glad to even get through that period of time.  Looking back though, the lessons I learned from all these failures of mine were invaluable.

   

Dependence on God..  Its really a term we kind of throw around don’t we?  When I was still in high school,  I thought I was dependent on God, but I think that I put more trust in my parents, their financial stability and love, my girlfriend’s (now ex) company, and the fun and laughter I got from my close friends..  As I went to Melbourne, and became more serious in my relationship with God, I again thought that now I’m dependent on Him, and in a sense I was.  I trusted Him alot more, going to Him in my break-up, when I feel lonely, and finally acknowledging without a doubt He exists and recommitting my life back to Him..  However, I think up unto this point I still was dependent in myself in making things happen.  Of course I prayed for studies and work, but deep down I think I trusted myself more in attaining high grades and getting internship positions.  In fact the true reason I studied and worked hard was not to glorify Him, but out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to get a good job when I graduate.  After all, in this world a man’s job is his identity, and before I think about getting a girlfriend or marriage I must be a good provider for them..  But that in itself shows my lack of faith in God’s provision, worrying so much about tomorrow when I should "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6: 33).  That verse is one that popped up to me so much throughout last year that I could no longer consider it ‘coincidence’.  And sure enough when I did just that, God provided a splendid internship, but I guess there was some adverse effect from that (cause of my own humanity) because coming back to melbourne I became Overconfident (read: arrogant, proud).  I thought I could tackle all these ministries with my own strength, my own competence, my own skills and knowledge.  O God certainly proved me wrong.. After all ‘those who exalt themselves will be humbled’.  By showing me my incompetence, God has shown me that I must depend on Him and no longer on myself..
    God Sovereignty..  I am currently struggling with this concept..  God Sovereignty and Human responsibility, having God’s ultimate control and yet His allowance for human free will confuses me at times, allowing massacres, wars, and such and such..  But of course I believe to understand, and not understand to believe..  I love Saint Augustine’s words, "Pray as if everything depended upon God and work as if everything depended upon you."  and felt that I should live my life like that..  I used to feel people who say ‘I’ll leave it to God’ or ‘let God’s will be done’ are just too lazy to take responsibility for their future, waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen..  However, through my incompetence I realize more and more that there are very few things that I can make happen by myself, if any at all..  Can I change a person’s heart?  Can I even change myself?  What do I have that was not given to me by my Lord?  I must be quite deluded to think that any of what I have achieved was by my own strength, by my own ability to ‘make things happen’..  God may have laughed looking at my arrogance in the past now that I think about it, like a father laughing at his toddler trying to do things all by himself but ultimately making a mess..  I am increasingly realizing that I can do so little in anything yet He can do so much..  I don’t want to become someone who just prays and does nothing, but I certainly realize that He has a much bigger role to play in my life and ministry than what I’m giving Him now (Duh! He’s God..  See my incompetence, hehehe).  I must decrease so that He increases..
    True Prayer..  Thanks to the book I’m reading and my own feeling of inferiority, I have changed how I conduct my prayers.  When I was young and even till my high school years I think most of my prayers were routine, same words, utter without even thinking type..  Of course there was the occasional special request during exams, girl problems, and competition/tournament finals…  As I moved to melbourne my prayers changed, to a more ‘God-seeking’ type but honestly I believe there are parts of my prayers that were hypocrisy.  Giving thanks for grades I wasn’t satisfied with, praying to bless people that I honestly didn’t like, Honoring Him when I was frustrated with Him..  Honestly, what use is it to hide or fake things from God?  As if He doesn’t know our true heart..  Thank God He allowed me to realize this..  As I read the old testament I realize that lots of the prayers by characters like Job, David, and prophets were blisteringly honest, at times whining, being angry with God, pondering the use of prayer, wondering if He listens, doubting His existence, verging on being blasphemous and irreverent..  Strangely, God didn’t strike them dead for such words, He valued their honesty far more than the fake praises of pharisees..  Of course there are times I truly praise and worship Him for what He’s done, but I no longer ‘filter’ my prayers, I’m honest with Him, praying about things that I know is wrong to feel but still do feel..  To a certain extent it has transformed these negative feelings I’ve had, when I use to give thanks for things that didn’t satisfy me, I learned that when I tell Him my dissatisfaction, there were thoughts that came about making me content..  When I express my dislike about certain people, He’s shown me their positive side, and so on..  By being honest with my prayers He has changed my heart, and that ultimately changed my prayers to the "Fake" ones I used to say, but now its genuine..  There are still of course outbursts of anger about people, events,  myself, and even Him, but its nice to know I can pour out my heart to God without restraint, no need to pick and choose my words..

 

Incompetence.  I used to hate that word.  I know that I’m just at the start of the learning curve of serving God, and beginning the learning curve is always the hardest part but I do know that in time it will get better as I know God more.  I do like the fact that I’m doing new things and changing, and realize that anytime you do something new there will be a period where you are incompetent..  I just need to continue trying new things to keep this notion in my head.  Then when I see someone stumbling and failing as he starts out something, I won’t judge them but remember ‘that was me’, and when I see an expert succeeding in his work/ministry/studies I can hope ‘that will be me’..  I love the fact that God chose the ‘questionable’ men to do His work.  Moses couldn’t speak well, Jonah was a coward, Jacob was a liar, Jeremiah was depressed, Peter lacked self-control, Thomas doubted, Timothy was too young, James and John were self-righteous, etc.  God’s people were never perfect..  I like this feeling of incompetence now, it just pushes me to see true
competence, Jesus Christ..  I will always be incompetent, maybe I’ll
get better at cell leading and tennis, but there will be a million
things I’m incapable of being skill-wise or character-wise.  But that
reminds me so much more that God will always be competent, always…  God is sufficient!

All I know is that I know nothing, and God knows everything.  I can do nothing, God can do everything.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4: 13)

Dear Blog,
    As the finals to my second to last semester is coming up I
find myself thinking about the degree that I have been studying and it’s
relevance in my life.  Initially, I chose to study Commerce because I
didn’t know what else to study, my other choices being Computer Science cause I
loved (or thought I loved programming) and Law cause I loved debate.
Thanks to Trinity College I discovered I
didn’t enjoy Computer Science that much (I was in the last batch of the
computer class before it was discontinued).  Law still intrigued me, for a
moment making me consider a double degree in Comm/Law but I guess when I was
choosing I wanted to avoid 5 years of Uni (Now that I’ve experienced work I
think I should’ve postponed working life as long as I could, hehehe..).  I still am contemplating of whether I should get a masters in law or MBA, but thats a few years away.. 
Anyway, as a Commerce student there were 2 things I resented, (1) my degree was
so common (hundreds of students taking the same thing) and (2) I feared my
personality (Introverted, pessimistic, quiet) was incompatible
with the typical ‘businessman’ (Extroverted, optimistic, talkative).  But
honestly, I have grown to love and cherish this magnificent course finding that
both my resentments were really challenges to broaden my character and perspectives.  Before discussing why I’d
like to discuss the course in depth.

    Setting aside the technical skills of Commerce
(Debit/Credit, ROI, EVA, Supply/Demand Curves, Derivatives, etc) the
underlying basic ideas of what I study fascinates me.  I am someone who
must understand ‘why’ before I understand ‘how’.
Commerce is so much more than just ‘money’:

Economics:  Economics is the study of managing resources.
Not only that, it tries to solve the problem of meeting the unlimited needs of
people with limited resources.  Economics isn’t restricted to
individuals, macroeconomics studies how to enhance the welfare of people in
nations or globally.  There was a moment in my first year where I wanted
to major in economics and drop finance (hated finance at that time cause my
shallow thoughts concluded it was just about making money and markets)
because  it seemed so cool discovering concepts that could save lives from
extreme poverty (Keynes, the economist who solved the 1930’s great depression
problem), or create government policies to enhance the welfare of my country
(Indonesia’s economy is one of its many problems).  Poverty is a social
concern I feel burdened about (one of the reasons I started liking commerce),
and I wanted to  be in the front line solving the issues of wealth
disparity, globalization, etc.  But I finally chose not to do it
particularly cause it was very theoritical and conceptual, It might be good for
a Ph.D (If I ever get there) but for a bachelor’s degree subjects more focused
on practice and applications of economic principles would be more relevant for
me.  Hence I chose accounting and finance..

Accounting:  I believe accounting has become a very fascinating
subject (I may be in the minority here hehe..).  It has evolved from
number crunching and debits/credits, into a more analytical thought-provoking field.  My Mom says that accountants (auditors more specifically) are ‘the
doctors’ of companies, checking how well they are and discovering any
‘illnesses’ (manipulation, cashflow issues, etc.) before it gets worse.
Having experience working as an auditor their jobs seem to involve a lot of
detective work investigating discrepancies within the firm.  What I love
about accounting is that it values our past actions.  It’s introspective
in a way, confirming that our choices and decisions in the past more or less make up who
we are now.  Bad decisions may reduce the quality of our life and
character whereas good ones enhance them.  Accounting evaluates who you
are as a result of what you have done and gone through.  Studying this
reminds me everyday to reflect on my actions, examining whether they added
value to others or myself or have they diminished it.

Finance: Finance was a subject I initially hated, basically because I
thought it was just about making money, filled with assumptions and
uncertainties, taking on more risk for higher return.  In a nutshell I
thought it was equivalent to gambling.  However, now it has become one of my
favorite subjects.  Working as an investment banker exposed me to a lot of
valuable lessons from finance, and studying the subjects amplify it’s
significance.  I have discovered 2 things about finance, its about
maximizing the resources you are given, and its about discovering
potential.  I have learned through finance that I should use to my best
ability everything that God has given me (Time, money, knowledge) to benefit
others.  Instead of wasting time procrastinating (although I still set
aside time for relaxation), it should be used to invest in beneficial
activities.  Time is the only commodity that we can never regain once
used, and its kinda scary when you think about it, therefore I have learned to
value my time a whole lot more now (I’m usually lazy hehe..).  If one can
learn how to effectively use resources, one can make a greater impact throughout
time.  The law of compounding interest shows that the more thats invested
today although small, will gradually grow and become great in time.  Our
contributions to society today, although it appears small will eventually grow
and have a ripple effect through humanity..  The second idea of finance is
identifying potential and investing in those things.  Having the ability
to look behind an entity’s inequities and weaknesses and find its potential to
become great is an important trait to have.  These past few years I’ve
seen many people grow in faith (including myself) and I find it mind-boggling
at times how people can change so much.  I am a firm believer that people
change, either for better if others invest in them with time, love, and prayer,
or for worse if they are neglected.  I truly want to be an investor,
whether I become an accountant or banker in the future, I want to invest in
everything; time, money, but most of all I want to invest in people.
Where Accounting measures the value from one’s past decisions, finance measures
the value of one’s potential. 

Both majors compliment each other so beautifully, the former emphasizing
introspection and constant revision of one’s life, the latter encouraging
vision, dreams, and planning, looking beyond what is to what can be.
Together I believe these 2 areas has given me an invaluable amount of depth in
knowledge not just about resource management but also life in general.
There are also other lessons learned in both majors such as the importance of taking
risks in life, understanding man’s self-serving bias that encourages
manipulation and greed, the terrible consequences of ignorance, etc.
Taking the big picture, accounting and finance has taught me a lot about
Value.  And when you are able to value things correctly, you make better
decisions.  The value of family over work, time invested over time spent,
character over beauty (for girls :p), and serving over being served.  I no
longer see the cost of things (what I need to pay or do to attain something),
now I see the value of things (The ultimate consequences of what I do and pay
for) and that has truly changed my way of life.

    In conclusion, I have fallen head over heels in love with
Commerce.  Yes, at times it is still difficult understanding derivatives,
balancing accounts, and identifying the optimal interest rate to target
inflation, but when I remember what it’s truly about I have more motivation in
learning how it works. 

As for my initial resentments,  I concluded that although it is a common
degree there’s no such thing as a common individual.  So long as I do my
best its possible to be the next Keynes who solves the poverty problem, Warren
Buffett who can identify potential in companies, or just a person who
successfully invested in the lives of people doing his best to improve lives
(his own included).  Whatever God has planned for my life, I’ll do my best
to effectively accomplish the mission He has given me. 

The second resentment was about personality mismatches.  I have found
that not all ‘commerce’ positions need to be extroverted, optimistic, talkative
people.  The beauty of commerce is that its so broad and there are so many
different occupations that one is bound to fit into a position.  I have
found that a tax consultant, auditor, or equity analyst may suit me well as
they do interact with people but its not to the extent of sales or
marketing.  My personality these last years have changed as well, recently
I find myself less introverted, probably now in between intro-extraversion.
As for pessimism,  I believe I have turned into an optimistic
pessimist.  Pessimistic by nature, Optimistic by choice.  Pessimism
is actually very beneficial, because with this mind frame one is able to
identify problems before they even arise and this ability is important
especially in leadership.  The problem with pessimists are sometimes we
see the problems and give up doing anything because we think it’ll fail.
This is where I have learned to be optimistic, discovering all the potential
problems, but following through anyway by faith remembering the opportunity
that lies behind.  Hence the best of both worlds are attained, the vision
to see the opportunities ahead and the ability to plan and prepare for the
problems that may hinder them.  As for being quiet or talkative, I find
that neither is superior.  Being a good listener (aka quiet), I believe it
has allowed me to take in vast amounts of knowledge and wisdom from people,
constantly embracing their ideas and concepts.  However I don’t talk that
often, hindering me from contributing to other people sharing my own knowledge
and ideas.  I believe what is important is not being silent or talkative,
it is knowing the right time to listen and the right time to talk.  If one
can listen when its time to learn, follow, or hear other people’s burdens and
one talks when its time to teach, lead, or encourage others then one has
mastered the art of communication.  This is what I am currently trying
to do, finding what adds more value, talking or listening, given the situation.  Wew, Commerce has
taught me quite a lot.  I’m glad I chose this course, it has helped me put
into perspective many things in life and side by side with my walk with God,
It’ll help me achieve whatever I was put on this earth for..

Faith, Hope, and Love,

Christian J Pakpahan

Dear Blog,
    Today is my 21st Birthday and I just had an awesome surprise birthday party by my friends last night (Thanks guys from the bottom of my heart..)  Anyway having my birthday around new year’s creates an atmosphere for double introspection of my life, and if you know me then you know I reflect on my actions daily.

    This past year I would say is a year I strengthened my foundations because this year I concluded and settled my basic life ideas, philosophies, and principles.  Looking back, ‘externally’ I didn’t achieve much this year except get an internship at Ernst & Young and UBS (only by the grace of God) but during my time in Melbourne I wasn’t that active.  But I have for the most part settled most of my life questions and developed a lot of character.  I believe I have to settle these kinds of questions before I continue living my life, I hate living life doubting why I am living.  Such questions that were crucial to me were "Is there really a God?" "Am I following the right path?" "How am I suppose to live?".

    You can see that my questions were heavily based on faith and morality, I believe this is the most crucial question in anyone’s life cause it will affect all your actions.  If there is a God, you would live your life to a certain standard, consistent to what you believe knowing that you have a purpose and throughout your life you would strive to achieve that purpose for it was why you were created.  Now in achieving this purpose you would feel fulfilled, and the purpose would certainly improve the condition of mankind hence in living your life with God you would live the best life God intended.  If God didn’t exist, then there is no purpose to anything.  There is ‘absolute’ freedom to do anything only bearing ‘world’ consequences and not eternal.  Having an end when our life does, I would become increasingly selfish only looking out for myself and family striving for the riches and comfort of this world no longer needing to give, and taking no life-threatening risks.  The contrast of life choices I would make when I believe there is or isn’t a God is quite different.

    My conclusion to this question?  There is a God.  I seeked for him throughout this year, and I’ll tell you He does not hide from those who earnestly seek Him.  In finding faith it is believed that there are three types of people.  One who seeks for truth, one who seeks for love, and one who seeks for power.  Because of my lack of faith, I believe I was only convinced when I found all three of them.  But God is kind, He had the patience to show me all three. 

    Being raised in a healthy christian family I believe I experienced His love all through my life especially from others, but because it was always there i kind of took it for granted.  I guess I realized the difference after being with other groups of people and experiencing their type of love.  Aside from that, I experienced His love personally which I will discuss more when I discuss power.  Conditionless love is amazing, loving those that need it not those that deserve it…  There is such a weight lifted from not needing to perform specific duties, achieve a certain standard, do certain things before being loved.  But Ironically it is because your being loved with no strings attached,  you are motivated to do the best you can for those people that love you.  You do their requests and follow their teachings not for approval, but because you have already been approved.  Hence, you do the best to succeed but are not trodden down by disappointment if you fail.

    The second thing I needed to be convinced on was truth.  Is this way of life correct?  Is it relevant to today’s life?  Slowly but surely I found that it is the way to live the fullest.  I wouldn’t be able to show you how this and that I discovered was true because it contains a lot of philosophical ideas, but through His word and ‘Mere Christianity’ a great book by CS Lewis (An ex-atheist) on the basics of Christianity I understood how it is true.  This past year I’ve prayed so that I could understand His word and have a hunger for it (Because honestly reading the Bible was one of my weakest points).  Amazingly, this year my hunger not only for the Bible but for books and reading in general have grown immensely.  People who know me knows that I don’t like reading, watching is more preferable.  I don’t know how it happened but now I can’t stop reading when I find a good book and I am more consistent in reading and understanding the Bible.  But all in all, even if the Bible shows a great way to live a life, and it shows how to have conditionless love, if this was created by humans and not God it still wouldn’t satisfy me.  I wanted tangible evidence, I wanted to see His power.

    Power is actually something that people from most primitive tribes would want to be shown.  Miracles and such isn’t really what people of the modern world seek, they prefer love (for the lonely) and truth (for the rational).  I wanted to see His power to compliment my rational, my lack of faith was like Thomas (He wouldn’t believe it until he saw it with his own eyes).  I was very stubborn I know, but God is kind He even let me experience His power.  How I got to this point is a long story, I followed, attended, read, and prayed on many things in search for Him.  He does not hide from those who seek Him.  It happened in a room, just two people, me and a friend.  Not a pastor, not a cell leader, just a very close friend.  Having no spiritual leader around is probably so I wouldn’t doubt that this is God.  I had just come back from a camp, and at the time my jaw vibrated but I could control it.  I asked my friend what it was and he said it was the gift of tongues.  That was why I went to him after camp and we prayed together in his room.  He just asked if it was God’s will please let me experience His Holy Spirit.  While doing this we sang songs of praise.  The first few minutes nothing happened, I just kept praying to remove every ounce of doubt in my head.  And suddenly it happened.  My tongues vibrated and started making a different noise that I didn’t know was possible.  More importantly,  there was this tingling, somehow electric shock (but felt good) throughout my whole body from the top of my head to the bottom of my heels.  Most importantly, something in my heart felt like it was being healed..  The feeling was immense, feeling God’s power and most importantly God’s love that night, tangibly for the very first time.  I cried that night…  Because i knew several things… God Exists… I can live forever…   and most importantly…  God loves me…  God loves me unconditionally…

    After that night I was able to relive the experience by praying in faith and singing songs but I prefer using my gift of tongues in private, because from past experiences most of my friends are discouraged when they hear it at church, they wonder whether it was fake, I also thought it was fake…  My basic question was answered, and although there are still some questions that I may have (why is there suffering, why did this and that happen, etc) I at least know that He exists and He loves me…  And if He loves me, it liberates me to love others unconditionally as well…

    Aside from answering this question, throughout the year I believe I have developed a lot of my character through several events.  I feel that this past year was preparation for what is going to come this year…

    This year is going to be filled with challenges, I can see it.  To begin with, there are new responsibilities that I have to bear as a leader.  This means that there are changes that I have to make in managing time and reorganizing my priorities.  Leadership is going to be a big challenge for me, and I may make mistakes but I am preparing myself now by reading lots of books and hopefully past experience would help…  Secondly, this will be my final year of university…  Being the final year the difficulty of subjects should increase demanding more focus and time for studying so I may receive maximum knowledge.  Thirdly, after graduation i will be looking for work, therefore there will be a lot of challenges including preparing for work (getting a PR), looking for work (Applying, interviewing, getting rejected) and the transition from student to work life (with the internship I can sort of figure out how it would feel).  All of these challenges await, including all the other ’surprise’ events but I’m glad I used last year to prepare, I don’t know how it would be if I didn’t.

    All in all I am satisfied with what I have done with the precious commodity of time last year.  I have found my identity, my God, and my way of life.  Now I can live life onwards applying it all…  Life has many challenges but when you know who you are you know everything is gonna be all right…  A great way to end my teenage years of 20, having lots of fun but maturing as well…  At 21 I’m stepping into adulthood more confident and sure of who I am and what I stand for…

Faith, Hope, and Love,

Christian J Pakpahan

Dear Blog,
Another year in Melbourne has passed, and I realize there are some people who I won’t see again when I come back next year.  One very significant loss is my cell leader Pon.  She was like an older sister for me in Melbourne always encouraging, always loving, always forgiving.  As a feeble attempt to show my gratitude the least I can do is give her a letter…

Letter to Pon

How do you pray for an answered prayer?  For when I asked God to bring me closer to Him, He brought you to guide me…
How can you bless a blessing?  For every time we met I’ve been blessed by your words and actions…
What can you give a gift?  For your presence in my life has been one of the greatest gifts I have received…

That’s why I don’t know what to say, do, or give you…  Nothing comes close to reflecting what you are to me…
Thank you for encouraging my faith to grow, giving me hope when I had none, and manifesting Christ’s love…
It would be selfish to keep you to myself and our cellgroup, I understand God needs to use a miraculous blessing like you for others as well…
Thanks for coming into my life, through God you’ve changed me in such a short time…
Thank you

Love in Christ,
Christian Januar Pakpahan

Dear Blog,
    The weekend I just had was intense and certainly life changing..  The two major events were singing in Flinders street and breaking up with my girlfriend..  The astonishing thing is that I’m still walking..  You know, lately I love walking..  I usually ride my bike to uni, but now I go everywhere by walking..  It seems like the most practical thing to do here… When you walk, basically u don’t rush to where ur going like running, yet you also don’t crawl which is tiring and is very slow..  Walking is taking ur own pace, viewing the scenery around u, looking at the people, cars, and buildings that pass by, listening to music along the way (with my Ipod), and just thinking…  Walking to me is a metaphor of life.. When u run through life, working hard, doing too much activities, to the extent that u hardly rest and relax because ur trying to get to ur destination as fast as you can, you miss out on a lot…  You might make it their faster then others, but you get tired, and u know in life once u reach ur target u wanna go to the new one as soon as possible because humans are insatiable, always wanting more..  By the end of ur life, u realise that yeah u may have been extremely successful, but u missed out on the finer more priceless things in life, the people, the scenery, the music.. They just went passed cause u were too busy focusing on ur next goal…  Thats why I like walking, crawling certainly wouldn’t get u to ur destination and u would be stuck in a place for way too long then u should, walking is a perfect balance…  Get to ur goal, but walk, enjoy ur friends, ur experiences, take time to hear the music enjoy the laughter and conversations, They won’t always be there, enjoy it while it lasts…  And I guess walking is how I’m gonna get through this break up, I loved her and have no regrets, she changed my life, and I enjoyed the time I had with her (3 years2 months) but maybe we already finished serving our purposes in eachother’s lives, and we already helped each other grow which is what God wanted, now maybe God needs us to grow in another way…  Now, you should know what made it possible for me to stand and walk through it all….

    Singing!  Singing on Saturday night at the Flinders Street Station…  Praising God to be more exact…  It was a one time thing that my cell group chose to do, but there were people there that did it every week…  I know many people think this is extreme, fanatical, and useless but I personally think otherwise… I do not plan to do this every week, but I needed to do this personally because I was losing myself, losing my faith, and through this challenge God brought me back and changed me…   Now what is a fanatic?  A fanatic to me is someone who is so caught up in his belief that he would force other people to believe..  Force: the infringement of human rights, condemning the people that don’t want to believe, maybe to the extent of hurting and killing them, but maybe also to judge and cast them away just because they don’t believe…  We just sang…  Singing songs that praise the Lord, if u wanted to listen then listen if not then just pass by…  You know what happened?  We were laughed at, persecuted, mocked… hehe and the funny thing is, I enjoyed it…  For once I felt a glimpse of what Jesus endured during the crucifixion…  Probably everyone has been mocked at laughed at, but when u get that from a crowd of people, constantly, just because ur singing praises, ur heart changes…  Jesus went through a billion times more then what I went through, all for mankind, the people mocking Him…  As they cursed and laughed I smiled, cause I felt that I know what God went through, and I felt closer to Him, and I smiled cause I was willing to continue singing, not shy back, because I did hesitate, I didn’t sing for a while, I just stood far away from them while they sang, and I thought of Simon Peter, and what he really went through when he denied Jesus 3 times… I actually understood why he did that, I used to think he was unfaithful and I wouldn’t do that, but the truth is I probably would do the exact same thing he did, because I was doing it now…  As they were mocked, I just watched, realizing that I am selfish, He thought of me above all, yet during this time I put my pride and dignity above Him and didn’t want to sing…  Luckily, I could get through it, and joined them singing, and I realized all these people could do was curse and talk, it was the first time I felt a spiritual war (I didn’t believe in these things) but I felt a true war…  And I’m glad I didn’t run away,  U know how u can stand being mocked and laughed at? Throw away ur pride… Throw away ur arrogance…  when u are humble u can take whatever they say to u, smile, and say "God forgive them for they do not know what they do"…  And honestly, its one of the best feelings in the world…  Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness, because theirs is the kingdom of heaven…  At that night, I felt close to God again, I felt He was with me, and is guarding me, and I told myself, I can take whatever life throws at me…  And so life threw a boulder, and God helped me take it…  The next night I broke up with my girlfriend…

    The break-up itself was peaceful, we mutually agreed and we said that we’d still call each other if needed…  But after 3 years of a relationship, no matter how peaceful the break-up is its painful…  But what happened after that truly lifted me up, I texted my friends and family of what happened, and one by one they called me…  Pon, my cell group leader and andi truly helped me, I already knew that this may be God’s will and its for the best, but they also gave me several words of encouragement that really calmed my heart…  They reiterated God’s love and prayed both for me, and Rachel through the phone…  Then my Mom called, she also supported and encouraged me, and being a Mom asked me what I did wrong hehehe, but she truly gave me her love and told me that my family is always there…  Then I called Yohanes and Irene…  Being people that had similar experiences I felt they knew exactly what I was going through and told me how I may feel the next few days and told me what to do and what not to do after experiencing this break-up… My friends also supported me through chatting and text, thank you guys I really couldn’t get through it without each and every one of you…  Then I realized how I was blessed by God, Such a wonderful family, and the most caring and amazing friends…  All of them truly concerned about me, talking to me for long hours in the middle of the night when uni and work begins the next day…  Only God could give me such friends, and so many..  God’s grace is truly sufficient, and I’m glad I’m at peace with Him…  As for the break-up…  We will still call each other right Rachel?  It is a privilege to know and love such a wonderful women, who had beauty, diligence, and intellect wrapped into one…  A truly unique and special women…  Whoever becomes ur husband better take good care of u girl, cause u deserve someone very special…  Someone who can take care of u better than I could…  Someone who loves u more than I do…  May u find God, because when He’s beside u, u truly can take anything that hits u…  I love u Rachel, maybe not as a lover anymore, but I still love u as a close friend…  Remember that I’ll follow u into the dark…  I know u’ll be successful, I hope u’ll find happiness…  True happiness

                -=May Faith guide you home, Hope ignite ur bones, and Love will certainly fix you=-

Dear Blog,
    My life is in a storm now man… My Faith in God is shaking, My Faith in my relationship with my girl is also questionable, but I guess there’s always a phase like this…  I guess you could say that its actually healthy, unquestioned faith is just blind and naive belief and the strength of a wall can only be seen in an earthquake…

    About Faith in God, probably everyone has once or a couple of times experienced this.  At times you see people with their ability to speak in tongue or friends who have experienced God by seeing or hearing Him one way or another, then you ask yourself why haven’t I experienced Him?  I used to think that it was because I wasn’t searching hard enough, or even to the extent that I didn’t deserve to experience Him because of my little faith… But Andi, a person of faith I admire told to me that maybe its the case that God believes that I am mature enough to believe in Him without "Direct" contact. "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29) I guess would be a good verse… But doesn’t communication indicate the degree of intimacy with God?

    On my relationship, hehe things have been rocky currently… Nobody said that Long Distance was gonna be easy..  She’s going through a tough time now and I understand that, I just wish that I could be close to her and help her get through this, I know I can continue to contact her through chat, telephone, and email but from our phonecalls it seems she needs me to hold her hand when she stumbles, be a shoulder to cry on, or a smiling face to accompany her when she’s lonely…
My parents told me its easier to have a Long Distance Relationship now with all these new technological advancements to improve communication but the truth is nothing is the same as physical closeness… If you can’t run to her when she needs a hug or let her run to you when you need a comforting voice then its definitely different…  But what can you do, if its Love then its love… In love the longest distance can be bridged yet the shortest distance is not close enough hehe…  I wish I could be with you now honey in all your confusion, maybe me being so far away is one of the reasons behind ur confusion anyway but I hope we can get through this…

    After reflecting my current problems I hope that God will help me with both…  I guess God will interact with me in His own special way that suits me exactly and that makes me sure that He is beside me and holding me…  Just continue walking with Him, questioning, searching, discovering who He is, and when I’m ready I’ll interact with Him in our own special way, like best friends, father and son, brothers…  I won’t forget all the blessings that He’s given me, the Love He’s shown, the prayers he has answered…  Maybe He talks to me through people, cause all my friends, parents, girlfriend teach me either through words or actions…  In fact with all the blessings I’ve been given such as wealth, health, knowledge, happiness (of course Jesus’ death being the greatest one) I believe people is a great blessing He has provided me with… I have always been surrounded by great people from the past till now. My parents are a great source of wisdom, my brother shows me great love, my close friends are always crazy, funny, and loyal, my girlfriend matures motivates me, wow He really knows what kind of people to put around me.  With all these blessings I know God is by my side… Maybe God does talk to me through people..  I love you God

    And I guess this is the test of the strength of our love honey…  If we can get through it then our love can only grow stronger because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if we do eventually have to go our separate ways (Which I pray we do not)  then it would be the best for both of us even if it hurts which I bet will cause excruciating pain…  Don’t worry honey, whatever the scenario I’ll still be there for you when you need a call, when you take a fall, and even when you lose it all…  Lets get through this storm honey… Lets get through it together…

A perfect song for my mood right now by Casting Crowns (Praise you in this storm):

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I’m with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I’m with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth